You’re sitting at lunch with a group of workmates when the topic turns to Game of Thrones. On the outside you’re calm, but on the inside you squeal with glee. You’ve watched every episode, and now’s your chance to dazzle your co-workers. You quickly inject yourself into the conversation, tossing knowledge faster than a paperboy on deadline. Co-workers look at you in awe. Even your boss is impressed. Are you an oracle? Nay, just a devoted GoT fan.
Suddenly the topic changes. Jerk-face Jessie from lending butts in from nowhere and says, “So did you all watch the Royals game last night?”
And like that, your thunder’s gone. You go from a walking Wikipedia page to completely out of the loop.
Below is a Royals small talk cheat sheet to make sure that never happens again. Memorize it. Use it. Wow everyone you know with it.
On Experts Doubting the Royals Again This Season
“I’m not worried about the ‘experts.’ Last season we were predicted to win 72 games and what happened? We won 95 and took the crown. Now I’m not guaranteeing it’ll happen again … but I like our chances.”
On Danny Duffy’s Role on the Pitching Staff
“Oh yeah, Danny Duffy. I see him as a Luke Hochevar type. He was kind of a mess as a starter, but moving him to the pen should really help settle him down.”
On Where to Buy Tickets at Kauffman Stadium
“Lemme give you a little insider’s tip: buy the nose bleeds on the cheap, then go hang out in Craft and Draft the entire game. Great drinks and an even better view.”
On Pitcher Ian Kennedy’s 5-year, $70 Million Contract
“Risky deal, but now he gets to play in a spacious park with the best defense in the league. Plus he’s an innings eater, which’ll keep our bullpen fresh for the stretch run.”
On How Long The Roster Can Stay Together
“We’ve got a two-year window. Almost all of our best players are free agents after 2017. Hoz and Moose are both Scott Boras clients, so it’s gonna take a dump truck of money to keep them.”
On Whether Terrence Gore Should Remain on the 25-Man Roster
“Absolutely. He’s the fastest player in the game and single-handily beat Minnesota earlier this season. He’s a game changer who could be the difference between a wild card berth and a division championship.”
On the Royals Wearing the Gold Championship Uniforms
“Not sure if you’re aware, but they just announced they’ll be wearing them every Friday home game. We’ll get plenty of chances to see the sickest uniforms in baseball all season.”
On Joakim Soria’s Early-Season Struggles
“I don’t care that they just gave him a fat contract — the man is costing us games! I say we only put him in when we’re trailing. When we’re up we should put Hoche in the seventh, Herrera in the eighth and Davis in the ninth for the save. You don’t need to be an expert to know that!”