Ask Mike: Best Friend

Dear Mike,

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my best friend and all the good memories we had together growing up. Did you have a childhood best friend?

– Nostalgic

 

Dear Nostalgic,

I’m so glad you asked, because I had the greatest friend growing up! We saw each other three times a week — sometimes more if I had a bunch of bad dreams and was wetting myself more than usual. Not sure why, but we only hung out at his office. I would just lay down on his couch, and he would listen to me talk while he wrote things down. He was probably just writing stories about how awesome I am.

He’d always ask me about my parents and my childhood and all the memories I had. He was such a great listener! He would also nod along a lot. Sometimes I think he’d fall asleep while I was talking — probably because my voice was so soothing. He even made me call him ‘Doc’ — a nickname I’m sure he reserved only for his bestest of friends.

Doc cared so much about me that he’d ask me about my health insurance and medical history. There was even a lady at his front desk who I’d talk to while he finished hanging out with his other friends. Sometimes I’d catch people handing the lady money. Pretty sure she was a drug dealer.

Doc was the best, but unfortunately we don’t hang out anymore. He said I had too much “baggage,” which was weird because I don’t even own a suitcase! We haven’t spoken in years, but I was flipping through the channels the other day and saw him on my TV! He looked great, but instead of “Doc,” everyone kept calling him by his formal name, “Dr. Phil.” Clearly they weren’t besties like we were.

 

[ed. note: Do not, under any circumstances, try this at home, take this advice seriously, or believe anything Mike says about knowing Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is a local boy – Shawnee Mission North grad, y’all – but we’re pretty sure he was out of the area long before Mike was born. Anyway, we post the Ask Mike series because we enjoy making fun of him, not because he has good ideas.]

mazuma

Author: mazuma

Mazuma is a Kansas City credit union that’s dedicated to banking happy. We’ve got free online banking, low auto and mortgage rates, and of course — you-choose checking. Ready to become a Member?

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18 Comments

  1. I hung on to an imaginary friend probably longer than most kids. I named her after myself so my family just thought I was talking in 3rd person which they found weird too. Maggie was sorta my “Doc” until my mother was thinking about having me see a real Doc. She just thought I was getting a little old for that so I kinda let go then. I just remember finding it nice to always have somebody to share every little thing with. Sure, it was embarrassing at times, like sitting on the pot and your family has their ears to the door. Anyway, you made me remember Maggie today. I think she is OK. Thanks

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    • mazuma

      Aw, we’re happy Mike’s weirdness provided a fond memory for you.

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  2. I had spent a chunk of my early adult years avoiding my childhood friend, Herpe Hudson. (Hudson was the name of the street we grew up on). Then along comes Facebook with a friend request. I could not decide if it was meaner to accept and then block or just keep staring at that pic of him. It wouldn’t go away (Herpe). I confirmed and quickly knew that he was still about 10, still with the booger jokes. I told him that I had matured and moved on to fart jokes. Can I say that here?

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    • mazuma

      We here at Mazuma fully support fart jokes. Some things are classic for a reason.

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  3. Facebook is both good and evil. Seems like your “besties” only remember the worst things you ever did as kids. Not that I had a colorful past, just stupid. When I see it in writing, it makes me look stupider, if that’s a word.

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  4. I had a bestie in school that possessed total recall, like that woman on the show “Unforgettable.” Let’s just call him Mike. He could remember faces, dates, times, what you were wearing, and what you said. We all loved then and he was fun and helpful especially for homework. He is the center of attention at all the reunions. People just ask him whatever and believe every thing he says just because he’s Mike. Just because someone has total recall doesn’t mean he can’t also be a liar. I only believed about half of what my bestie said about me. I can’t say anything to him because he’ll just repeat it later.

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  5. My bestie was a total Republican by age 4 ( just stating a fact). She wore suits to kindergarten and was investing in the stock market by age 10. She always said she was going to marry a millionaire which she did. She is like a gazillionaire now. Yeah, I hate her.

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  6. I know now that my bestie back then was certainly a big fat bully. I liked him and I don’t know why. His so-called pranks could kill an elephant like his blood brother transfusions. It must be true that kid’s brains don’t develop till a much older age. I don’t know when I got mine. I would never dream of looking this guy up for fear he never got his.

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  7. Mike, I had a “Doc” like you did. I also live with my mom. Doc was very supportive and encouraging. But unlike you, I don’t tell people that I live with my mom. I tell people she lives with me.

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    • mazuma

      So what we’ve learned here seems to be that a lot of us don’t actually like our childhood BFFs now that we’re old enough to know better.

      The stories are awesome – keep ’em coming!

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  8. When I was a kid, it was like the law that your BFF was whoever lived on your block. My bestie from the block was Mimi, an unusually large child. Her mother used to call her home for her daily oatmeal bath. Everybody thought it was brunch, but it actually had something to do with curing her odor. I ran with Mimi till I got fat. I did blame it on her.

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  9. As long as we’re sharing bodily function stories, my BFF and I were both pukeres. She hurled one day during a reading circle thing and I did the same in the lunch room. Clearly, we became instant friends. And, clearly, no one else wanted to be our friends. We didn’t care and we still don’t.

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