Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that I’m about to lose my job. Have you ever been fired?
– Worried in Waldo
You’re going to find this hard to believe, but yes, I actually have been fired … from every job I’ve ever had. I even got fired from a volunteer soup kitchen for sneezing into a giant pot of chicken soup and failing to tell anyone until after the pneumonia outbreak. To be fair, that soup never tasted so good!
You’d think after my 12th firing I’d have gotten used to it, but there’s still one particular incident that grinds my gears to this day. I’d been working at a customer representative center, or as my mom liked to call it, “McD’s,” when I accidentally dropped a vanilla cone on the ground. I bent over to pick it up when my manager saw my lower back tattoo.
The tattoo said, “To be loved, love” in Latin, but apparently she didn’t speak the language because she gave me ZERO love. Instead, she told me she had to “Let me go,” and I was like, “Go where?”
She also said I had a very impressive “muffin top.” I told her she should be the one getting fired because that’s not even on the menu! She eventually called security, so I took my muffin top and my ice cream cone and left.
I still can’t believe I was treated like that from somewhere as classy as that place.
[ed. note: Do not, under any circumstances, try this at home, take this advice seriously, or serve people food that you’ve sneezed on. We post the Ask Mike series because we enjoy making fun of him, not because he has good ideas.]