Ask Mike: Roller Coasters

Dear Mike,

Kansas City has a couple of really awesome water parks and amusement parks, which makes summers here action-packed. Do you like roller coasters?

– Schlitty in the city


Dear Schlitty,

I’m sure it’s no surprise that someone as big and tough as me loves roller coasters. What’s not to love? The whiplash-inducing motion, the nausea, the screaming, the moment of sweaty fear before that first drop begins, that one time when I was in a car that got stuck on the ride for two hours…

What I’ve learned from experience is that you have to be properly equipped in order to have a successful roller coaster ride. Here’s my list:

Head gear: a helmet is a MUST for a rollercoaster. They strap you in, but why skip the extra safety step of wearing your own helmet? I mean, it keeps your head safe, protects your hairstyle from all the wind during the ride AND makes sure that your head doesn’t get puked on.
Yoga mat: I make sure that my body is ready to be banged around by stretching before I get on the ride. I mean, if I’m going to be in line for over an hour, why not unroll my mat and do a few downward-facing dogs? My body gets warmed up and my mind goes into a zen state. That way I can make it all the way until the first drop starts before I scream and cry like a little girl.
Vomit bag: for my neighbor. Obviously it isn’t for me, really. I swear.
Paper bag that is different from the vomit bag: in case my neighbor starts hyperventilating so that they can breathe into the bag and calm down. This one isn’t for me, either. Don’t get this bag mixed up with the vomit bag. It’s really gross when that happens… or at least that’s what my neighbor said. That didn’t happen to me, really.
Change of clothes: when I got stuck in a car for two hours, it was upside down in the middle of a loop. I’m man enough to be okay admitting that I was a little scared. I may have even wet myself. But see, we were upside down, so I didn’t just wet my pants – gravity went the other direction, so my shirt got all wet too. So you should always have a change of clothes, and probably a towel in case of emergency.

If you have all of these things with you, you should have a safe ride without too many bruises or accidents.

You know what I don’t get about roller coasters? There’s no options to leave if you get scared. I mean, there’s usually a chicken exit, but what about one for humans?! That’s some pretty messed up stuff — no yoke. #seewhatididthere #thatscalledapun #imlonely


Author: mazuma

Mazuma is a Kansas City credit union that’s dedicated to banking happy. We’ve got free online banking, low auto and mortgage rates, and of course — you-choose checking. Ready to become a Member?

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  1. Such great tips! Changing into another blue denim shirt is very smart. That way people won’t know if you’re coming or going. I hope you remembered to bring one for that baby!

    Post a Reply
    • mazuma

      Knowing Mike, he’d probably make sure that baby had his own barf bag and yoga mat as well.

      Post a Reply

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