Have you gone outside lately? It’s cold! But that means it’s the perfect time to fire up Netflix and hunker down for some movies. Do you have any suggestions?
— Cinephile in Shawnee
I have no idea what cinephile is, but it sounds painful. You should probably see a doctor immediately.
As for Netflix movies, my mom took away my privileges after I watched every episode of Chasing UFOs and then stayed up past bedtime to wait for the aliens to beam me up.
Lucky for you, I was still able to come up with a list of must-watch Netflix movies that I’ve actually never seen. Don’t worry — these reviews are rock solid. Trust me.
This is a movie about people who try to go the longest without eating. Winner gets a trip to the ER!
This one’s about a girl whose dry skin is KILLING her, and she really needs to find a better lotion to help. My advice? Gold Bond. Does wonders.
If you have kids, you’ll like this one. It’s an educational movie that teaches children how to count!
This is about an epic adventure a guy has while on the toilet. Definitely NSFW!
Farmers like this movie a lot. It’s about a guy who can create rain whenever he does a crazy dance! Pretty cool, huh?
This is a bio-pic based on me and my best friend Greg. Very inspirational.
This movie is about an adult man who buys an emo bat costume but realizes it’s too tight so he returns it for a top hat and mittens.
This is a movie about ‘roided out bros who try to act cool in their Affliction t-shirts even though they have no idea what the word means or how to spell it.
This is a movie about an old man who sits on his porch yelling at young’uns for causin’ a racket with all their hip-hop and twerkin’.
This classic is a dramatic coming-of-age tale about the letter Z.
[Editor’s note: We’re reasonably sure Mike has seen exactly 0% of these films, so take that into consideration, and don’t show your kids ‘Seven’ unless you want them to keep you awake with their nightmares for three weeks straight.]