Listen, nobody here is above using obscure Mexican battles to justify a good party. But the U.S. has taken Cinco de Mayo to a whole other level. We’ve got a strong hunch that most Americans have no idea what they’re actually celebrating on this day, other than an excuse to drink cerveza like a person who’s totally loco. There’s probably even some people who couldn’t tell you what day Cinco de Mayo falls on the calendar. Little known fact: Cinco de Mayo isn’t even a national holiday in Mexico and is disregarded in most of the country.
All of this aside, we still insist on putting on a sombrero, loading our margs with salt and eating as much Mexican food as our ignorant bellies will hold. Speaking of ignorant, here are five steps to celebrate Cinco de Mayo that are completely detached from the original meaning of the day.
Step 1: Wake up in the morning like, “Whaddup, It’s the Fifth of May. Put a sombrero on that pooch, stat.”
Step 2: Next on the itinerary is getting dressed for the occasion. You don’t want to be the one person who didn’t gear up in what’s probably an outdated version of what you think Mexicans are supposed to look like.
Step 3: Before you go out in public, you’re going to need to take some festive photos that show just how cultured you are.
Step 4: At this point, the fake mustache you’ve super glued to your upper lip is probably getting a little itchy (as is the back of your throat from lack of tequila). Time to hit the local watering hole!
Step 5: Six hours and four enchiladas later, you know you did your part to increase awareness for cultural acceptance. Good for you. We can’t wait to see how you tackle world peace.