Dear People in the Rest of the Country,
We have something to share with you. We spent a lot of time thinking about this, and we finally feel like we can say it. Ready? OK. Here goes — please don’t move here.
Ahhh. That feels good to get off our chests.
Yeah, we said it. Kansas City is one of the best cities in America, as several national publications have already noted, yet so many people still don’t know how great our city is. Good. We’re better off as a hidden gem, and here’s why we want to keep it that way.
First of all, we have enough traffic on our roads as it is. It’s not ‘L.A. bad’ or ‘New York bad’ or even ‘Chicago, Dallas or Houston bad.’ But the last thing we need is your car on I-35 at rush hour slowin’ us down on our way home. One less car lets us put the pedal to the medal … and by that, we mean going 15 miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. But still, you get the idea.
Secondly, our housing market is ri-dic-u-lus. Have you seen how affordable Kansas City homes are compared to other major U.S. cities? You can buy a mansion in Mission Hills for the same price as a dumpster in downtown Denver. If people start moving here and buying up all of our houses, prices will skyrocket and there won’t be anything left for the rest of us. Much like those obnoxious comments on YouTube videos, we were here first. Don’t rain on our housing parade.
If you’re not from the Midwest, you’re probably unfamiliar with Midwestern hospitality. Allow us to explain: we’re nice. Like, really nice. We say weird things like, “Hello,” “Thank you” and “Excuse me” to complete strangers. Most other places you hear things like, “Move it,” “Get outta the way,” and “Beeeeeeep!”
When our Kansas City Royals won the World Series last year (Hey, remember that, New York?), fans celebrated into the morning, and no arrests were made. Nobody got out of control. Nobody went crazy. As a matter of fact, Kansas City police spokesman Darin Snapp told USA Today that this is “what we have come to expect from our citizens.” Please don’t come in and ruin our celebration reputation.
All of that to say, we thoroughly enjoy our under-the-radar city and intend to keep it that way. So if you’re thinking about moving here, to that we say, thanks but no thanks.
Yours in courage,
P.S. We really don’t need any more hipsters. We’re at capacity. Thanks, though.