Monday. The most hated word in the English dictionary. It causes chills to ripple down the spine, children to feign wild diseases and the American workforce to curse at the cruelness of life.
But not this Monday. No, this Monday is a celebration. The Kansas City Chiefs host Monday Night Football — against Tom Brady’s New England Patriots, no less — and this city is ready to burst.
It’s been three years since Kansas City hosted such an event, so it’s with good reason that some of us may be a little rusty when it comes to preparing for weekday football. Never fear, we’ve come up with the essential guide to get you ready for the game — all from the comforts of your cubicle.
Get to Work Early
Unlike traditional Sunday games, your workday significantly cuts into your pre-game tailgating. Minimize the clock-staring angst by getting to work extra early. Sure, 6 a.m. sounds early, but any true Chiefs fan wakes up at that time for Sunday tailgating anyway. By the time 3 p.m. rolls around, you’ve already put in your typical nine hours of uninspired work and can head out in plenty of time for the 7:30 p.m. kickoff.
Don’t let the fact that it’s Monday ruin your favorite game day traditions. If that means wearing the same dirty, 5-year-old Tamba Hali jersey, so be it. You’re probably not going to be the only person wearing a smelly red shirt and twitching at your desk as you watch the clock count down to the earliest possible moment you can leave work for the day.
Bring Your BBQ to Work Day
No Chiefs tailgate is complete without the staple of this city — delicious, mouthwatering barbecue. Just because you can’t enjoy those dinosaur ribs at Arrowhead doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them at all. Instead of taking the same boring mayonnaise and cheese sandwich to work, pack a Foreman, some brats, a couple burgers and enough KC Masterpiece to fill a kiddie pool. When noon comes around, bust that Foreman out and plug it into an outlet in the break room. Not only will the place smell like heaven, but your co-workers might actually acknowledge your existence. Double win.
Take a Vow of Silence
You’re gonna need those vocal cords for the game — especially if you’re one of the lucky ones to go. The Guinness Book of World Records will again be in attendance as the Chiefs try to steal back the record for loudest crowd roar from the Seattle Seahawks. Make sure your lungs and throat are at full capacity by downing lemon-honey tea like it’s Natty Light and never speak a word unless spoken to. Good news: that shouldn’t be hard to do with all your eye-gouging Monday meetings.
Put Your Junk in Your Trunk
Whether you’re going to the game or a watch party, the last the thing you want to do is go all the way home to get your gear before heading out. Make sure you’re prepared by cramming as much of it in your trunk as possible — footballs, folding chairs, boom box, caviar, whatever. Above all else, do not forget the cooler. Pack that baby full of ice and your favorite craft beer so that you can crack one open as soon as you reach your destination. And by destination we do not mean workplace parking lot. You don’t wanna get sacked before the game even starts.