4/5 ninja stars ****
I know what you’re thinking. “Mike, your new video blog is so amazing, you must be a movie expert. What do you think of the new Transformers movie?”
Well, let me tell you, I most definitely am an expert. In fact, some people think I was the real-life inspiration for that bearded guy in the Hangover. Psshh, I wish I was that smart.
I knew I couldn’t disappoint my loyal fan base, so I went ahead and saw Transformers this morning instead of going to that job interview my mom set up (she just doesn’t get that starting something like a homemade candle business takes time. It’s only been 12 years!). You’d be amazed at how many people actually showed up for a 10 a.m. movie. And a lot of them came with friends. Ha! How weird is that?
Anyway, the film opens up with Mark Wahlberg (disappointing — it should’ve been Nicholas Cage or whoever played Shrek) pretending to be an inventor of stupid stuff that already exists. A robot dog? Um, what do you think Furbys are?
Marky Mark eventually finds Octopus Prime in an old movie theater and fixes him up. [Sidebar: Why is his name Octopus? He doesn’t even have tentacles!] Then the “CIA” shows up and almost kills ’em all. Luckily, Octopus saves the humans who helped him.
It turns out that the CIA’s mission is to destroy all the Transformers and Autobots, which leads to about an hour and a half of explosions. It was like watching fireworks on the Fourth of July, only this time I didn’t get third degree burns.
When the explosions finally stop, we see Octopus riding a dinosaur. A DINOSAUR! Sorry for yelling, but I didn’t realize this was going to be a Jurassic Park sequel. Talk about a two-for-one!
After that there’s more explosions, a few car chases and a bunch of scary-sounding Transformers that’ll haunt my dreams forever. And some explosions.
Overall, I give this movie 4/5 ninja stars. It’s definitely the best documentary of the season.