Dear Black Friday,
Your time on this earth has very closely mirrored the life arc of many child actors. In your early years you were nice and innocent, but as you aged you quickly began to show signs of trouble — you caused a bad car accident here, a nasty family fight there. Now you’ve spiraled out of control, and you need to be stopped.
holimall-iday is a symbol of everything that’s wrong with today’s American culture: less emphasis on family, more emphasis on gadgets and stuff. Like that creepy uncle, your unwanted invasiveness threatens to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving.
Friday isn’t enough for you anymore. Your madness now starts on Thursday — so early that we don’t even have a chance to get seconds on stuffing before we’re supposed to forge our way through Target just to purchase a slightly less expensive Christmas present that our kids probably won’t like anyway.
Not only are you rude, you’re antiquated. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but like AIM or encyclopedias, we don’t need you anymore. In Millennial terms, you’re basic.
Sorry, but we’ve moved on. Found something better. Its name is Cyber Monday, and it’s GLORIOUS.
No longer do we have to get in fist fights with strangers in the toy aisle over the Red Power Ranger. No longer do we need to plot our Black Friday combat strategy in the wee hours of the night as if we’re General Patton gearing up for Normandy. No longer do we even need to put on pants to shop.
With Cyber Monday, everything we want is a click or finger tap away. Better yet? It’s on a Monday, which means less emphasis on work … and more emphasis on gadgets and stuff.
Hey, America ain’t perfect. But we’re sure better off without you.