If you’ve ever been to Arrowhead for a Chiefs game, you’ll recognize these people all too well. Which one(s) are you?
1. The Sunrise Tailgater
This person’s cracked his first beer before dawn and owns every lawn game imaginable — corn hole, washers, ladder golf, the works. He built his Chiefs-themed beer pong table from scratch and can burp his way through the entire 1969 Super Bowl roster.
2. The Irrelevant Jersey Wearer
The Bears are in town and this guy has the audacity to wear his Raiders gear to Arrowhead. Fans will yell at him; he will smirk silently. He is more infuriating than the opposing team.
3. The Way-Too-Much-To-Drink Dad Group
They met in college, probably, and have been friends ever since. They use the phrase, “Don’t tell the wife” at least 30 times in the first half and show anyone within arm’s reach photos of their sons playing Pop Warner. After the game, they take a three-hour car nap before driving home.
4. The Pit Master
This person is the Emeril of Arrowhead Stadium. He pays $35 for parking and doesn’t even have a ticket. That’s fine by him; he judges games not by the score but by the size of his tailgate. His grill is his prized possession, and no one else is allowed to touch it. He flaunts his American Royal awards like they’re the Lombardi Trophy.
5. The Unimpressed Significant Other
These people were clearly dragged out to the stadium by their significant others. It’s mid December, and the recommendation to wear “lots of layers” was taken way too lightly. They’re frozen before kick off and haven’t stood up to cheer once. They’re gone before halftime.
6. The Stumbling Drunk
It seems like his first drink of the day was sometime yesterday and he just kept it going. He almost deserves respect for his dedication. Screaming, slurring and groping are his calling cards. He’s already spent over a $100 on in-stadium beers, and there’s no end in sight. The crowd loves to hate him, but hates how much they love him. Silently everyone worries how he’s getting home.
7. The Knows-Nothing-Know-It-All
Every play is grounds for an unwanted vocal analysis but his words come out as hot garbage. His statistics are questionable at best. Eventually someone from the row in front of him loses it and berates him until he shuts up. He obliges but pouts like a large child. We get it guy, you watch SportsCenter.
8. The Costumed Crusader
He’s got paint on every part of his body, but don’t ask him to prove it. He bought the shoulder pads second hand at a thrift shop and the decoration started from there. His wife left him years ago, but he makes it onto the JumboTron a few times a year, so it was totally worth it.
9. The Disrupter of Peace
He’s been screaming profanities since he walked through the gates. Parents and friends have kindly asked him to calm down, but it’s clearly fallen on deaf ears. He thinks he’s being the best fan, but in reality he’s just being “that guy.” Security warns him to calm down, and they’re back within 10 minutes to remove him from the stadium. He protests and mutters something about the Constitution, but his future is sealed. Goodbye, sir.
10. The random-colored Chiefs jersey wearer
“Man, this black Chiefs jersey looks awesome,” said no one ever. Mustard yellow, hot pink, home and away jerseys stitched together … where do you even find these things? Someone, somewhere should start a petition to ban these from the stadium.
11. The Emotionally Unstable
Penalties, injuries and poor plays are the cause for their over-dramatic actions. They spend most of the game with their arms raised rhetorically asking “WHY???” A loss for the boys in red? Cue the waterworks and slumped pouting in their seats. Give them some space … they need to be alone for a while.
12. The Aggressive Parking Lot Exiter
For these people, Arrowhead isn’t a parking lot, it’s survival of the fittest. They ride your bumper and honk for any half-second delay in inching forward. Jumping the curb isn’t an option, it’s their right as an American. They’d give your grandmother the bird if she didn’t let them in line.