It’s almost August, which means the after work intramural softball season is
heavily drinking in full swing. Here are the seven people you’ll find on every team:
This teammate spent four years blasting home runs on his college baseball team before settling in as the lead sales guy at your office. You can’t help feeling salty about how easily everything comes to him, but gosh dang it is he likable.
This teammate can always be found with a glove on one hand and a brewski in the other. He doesn’t particularly like sports but does point out that he won back-to-back Beer Olympics in grad school.
This person doesn’t know anything about baseball but believes that teamwork actually makes the dream work. She stays positive no matter how badly the team’s losing and gives out high fives like they’re gifts on the Oprah show. “You get a high five, and YOU get a high five, and YOU get a high five! EVERYONE GETS HIGH FIVES!!!”
The Out of Shaper
This guy means well, but there’s no way he should be playing organized sports. His shirt is drenched before the first pitch, and watching him run to first base is like watching Mufasa try to escape the stampeding wildebeests: try as he might, you know he’s never gonna make it.
This player knows every rule and makes sure that her teammates are following them to a T. At the office she’s known as an “accountant,” but on the field she’s known as “annoying.”
The Horrible Boss
This is the least-talented person on your team, and he’s also your boss. He insists on being the pitcher, even though he has worse aim than a bad guy in a Bond film. He’s already cost your team three losses, but nobody says anything … at least to his face.
The Overly Competitive Teammate
This person treats each play like it’s game seven of the World Series. She puts eye black on before every game and constantly pounds her mitt like it owes her money. If someone screws up, she’s the first person to call him out. “You gotta dive for that ground ball, Dave. I don’t care that you’re 60!”