The New Devil’s Dictionary, Kansas City Edition

[Editor’s note: The fine folks at the Verge posted an updated version of the Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce’s early twentieth-century satirical masterpiece. After reading the Verge’s take on an update, we felt we should provide a Kansas City version. Enjoy, and feel free to post additions in the comments section.]

 

American Royal BBQ Contest: a place to walk around being tortured by delicious smells whose sources you will most likely be unable to taste, AKA “How to Ruin a Diet in Three Seconds Flat”

Bartle Hall “Sky Stations”: four random sculptures on top of the Bartle Hall pylons that exist solely for the purpose of confusing people adding visual interest to the skyline

Skystations

BBQ: local religion shared by most of the city, featuring frequent squabbling over the proper place of worship

The Chiefs: great expectation leads to great disappointment

College Basketball: local religion characterized by feuding between KU and MU fans on the level of the Catholic/Protestant divide circa 1600

Crossroads: 1) place where you accidently spend 200% more than you meant to on food, drinks and art but enjoy the experience too much to complain 2) where all the 9-5 jobs are in advertising

Fountains: usually the only way to see any clean water in our notably landlocked city

Grandview Triangle: premier locale in the southeastern suburbs to be stuck in rush hour traffic

JoCoGateway: interminable construction project claiming to improve transportation apparently by preventing it altogether

Kauffman Center: emphatic statement of Kansas City’s architectural bad@$$ery since 2011

Kauffman_Center

KCI: perfect airport for anyone who loves driving in circles forever; less perfect for anyone who wants a bite to eat when they’ve made it through security

Kemper Arena: currently-defunct monument to 1970’s excess awaiting revival as something more exciting than a once-yearly rodeo arena

Northland: a region that does actually have some cool stuff which no one other than natives usually visit

justus-logo-v2

P&L District: strip mall of bars largely for the purpose of bachelor/ette parties

The Plaza: where you spend 200% more than necessary for food, drinks and art as a shallow gesture to impress older family members

The Royals: Major League Baseball team solidly ignored until ten months ago, when they began a creditable, ongoing attempt to take over the world

Shuttlecocks: four giant badminton birdies displayed on the lawn of the Nelson for inexplicable reasons, as KC otherwise has no notable badminton connections

shuttlecocks

Streetcar: capable of creating a ludicrous amount of public debate and downtown traffic snarls for something that only goes two miles.

West Bottoms: 1) home of a million multi-story haunted houses 2) place where you will one day soon be able to spend 200% more than you meant to on food, drinks and art thanks to enterprising hipsters

mazuma

Author: mazuma

Mazuma is a Kansas City credit union that’s dedicated to banking happy. We’ve got free online banking, low auto and mortgage rates, and of course — you-choose checking. Ready to become a Member?

Share This Post On
468 ad

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *