The New Devil’s Dictionary, Kansas City Edition

[Editor’s note: The fine folks at the Verge posted an updated version of the Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce’s early twentieth-century satirical masterpiece. After reading the Verge’s take on an update, we felt we should provide a Kansas City version. Enjoy, and feel free to post additions in the comments section.]

 

American Royal BBQ Contest: a place to walk around being tortured by delicious smells whose sources you will most likely be unable to taste, AKA “How to Ruin a Diet in Three Seconds Flat”

Bartle Hall “Sky Stations”: four random sculptures on top of the Bartle Hall pylons that exist solely for the purpose of confusing people adding visual interest to the skyline

Skystations

BBQ: local religion shared by most of the city, featuring frequent squabbling over the proper place of worship

The Chiefs: great expectation leads to great disappointment

College Basketball: local religion characterized by feuding between KU and MU fans on the level of the Catholic/Protestant divide circa 1600

Crossroads: 1) place where you accidently spend 200% more than you meant to on food, drinks and art but enjoy the experience too much to complain 2) where all the 9-5 jobs are in advertising

Fountains: usually the only way to see any clean water in our notably landlocked city

Grandview Triangle: premier locale in the southeastern suburbs to be stuck in rush hour traffic

JoCoGateway: interminable construction project claiming to improve transportation apparently by preventing it altogether

Kauffman Center: emphatic statement of Kansas City’s architectural bad@$$ery since 2011

Kauffman_Center

KCI: perfect airport for anyone who loves driving in circles forever; less perfect for anyone who wants a bite to eat when they’ve made it through security

Kemper Arena: currently-defunct monument to 1970’s excess awaiting revival as something more exciting than a once-yearly rodeo arena

Northland: a region that does actually have some cool stuff which no one other than natives usually visit

justus-logo-v2

P&L District: strip mall of bars largely for the purpose of bachelor/ette parties

The Plaza: where you spend 200% more than necessary for food, drinks and art as a shallow gesture to impress older family members

The Royals: Major League Baseball team solidly ignored until ten months ago, when they began a creditable, ongoing attempt to take over the world

Shuttlecocks: four giant badminton birdies displayed on the lawn of the Nelson for inexplicable reasons, as KC otherwise has no notable badminton connections

shuttlecocks

Streetcar: capable of creating a ludicrous amount of public debate and downtown traffic snarls for something that only goes two miles.

West Bottoms: 1) home of a million multi-story haunted houses 2) place where you will one day soon be able to spend 200% more than you meant to on food, drinks and art thanks to enterprising hipsters

Kim Funari

Author: Kim Funari

Kim Funari is the editor for MazumafyKC and contributes the occasional article as well. She’s also the Brand and Social Specialist for Mazuma, where she runs the Facebook page and @MazumaCU on Twitter. Her extracurricular writing revolves around beer, wine, and life in Kansas City. Kim has an MA in English from Lehigh University.

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