Throughout life, there are pretty much only three things we can truly count on to always be there: death, taxes and life crises. But unlike death and taxes, life crises are usually what truly shapes our lives.
And oh, how first-world-terrible they are.
But it’s good to be prepared for what’s ahead, so we’ve put together a chronological list you can read your children as they go to sleep tonight. That way, they know every horror that awaits.
1. The ‘I’ve been lied to’ crisis
No Santa, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy. These revealed secrets set off a life crisis that leaves our little heads wondering if there’s anything sacred in life. Does magic even exist? What else has the world lied to me about? And now I feel like an idiot and I hate everyone for it so I’m going to go ruin it for my younger sibling, too!
2. The ‘No one understands me’ crisis
OMG is that puss-filled thing on my face a pimple? Why does my voice sound like a dying Chewbacca? Am I dying? Because I totally think I’m dying. This crisis is real. And it’s horrible. Some of us would love to relive our high school glory days, but no one reminisces on the joys of changing teenage bodies. *Shudders*
3. The ‘I can’t even’ college crisis
Wait, what do you mean I have to do my own laundry? Who schedules a calculus class at 8 AM? Would life really be that horrible if I dropped out and lived in my parents’ basement for eternity? We get pretty overwhelmed in the first few semesters of college, which is why a lot of us don’t finish. But for those that do, there’s the next crisis to look forward to.
4. The ‘I don’t want to grow up but I already did’ crisis
The time in our lives when we realize with horror that binge drinking, freedom and sorority superiority are about to become a thing of the past. It’s the last semester of college and real life is about to backhand us with brass knuckles. Wapow!
5. The ‘Is this really what I’m doing with my life’ crisis
Also referred to as the quarter-life crisis, we begin to question every single decision we’ve made, where it all went wrong. We drink like we’re in college again, only we don’t bounce back and this makes us more depressed. We failed the game of Life.
6. The ‘I’m not in my early 30s anymore’ crisis
Premature concerns about arthritis, maybe-not-so-premature worries about grey hairs, and the sudden overwhelming fixation on our retirement situation. Oh, and no more sugar, gluten, red meat or any form of food we get joy from.
7. The ‘Why didn’t I have kids earlier’ crisis
Reality is hitting, guys, and our bodies just can’t do what it used to. If we would’ve had kids earlier, we wouldn’t blow out a knee chasing them through the store when we’re in our mid-40s. Know that song by Toby Keith? The one about not being as good as you once were? Yeah, that’s us.
8. The ‘Buck life’ crisis
More well known as the mid-life crisis, this one is a direct result of realizing in our 40s that we can’t do what we used to, hitting 50, then trying to buck reality and do all the things our body already told us not to do.
The best part about the mid-life crisis? It’s usually the worst, but it’s usually the last. Once you get through that, the crises tend to end, and you get a healthy level of “screw it” in your system.
But don’t forget, you still have death and taxes.